Two years ago right now I was on a flight to come and see you. To say I was nervous would be an affront to the English language. I was apprehensive, unnerved, timid…some things I can attribute to a relationship I was trying to get out of, but the rest I attribute to being so intimidated by you. It was feeling that would only be diminished by time spent with you. Two years later, it’s still in the back of my mind, whispering whenever you’re around.
I remember how nervous I was when I came to meet you. I was shaking and praying you wouldn’t notice. Even though you’d been vocal about your excitement to see me, I knew the truth. The voice that whispers now was so loud, telling me I’d never mean anything to you and my presence would probably be deemed a nuisance in time.
I went back to the hotel that night and waited for you to get done with work. I fell asleep at some point. After all, it had been a long day of travel. I woke up to find it was much later than I was expecting you and changed into pajamas. I’d left a room key for you at the front desk, but assumed you must have gone home. At 4:30am, I woke up to someone staggering in the door. With your actions you instantly let me know that I didn’t matter. The whispering voice had been right. It was more important to sit out with friends drinking until morning light than keep your plans with me. You knew I’d be there whenever you decided to show up.
You broke my heart a little that night. I could feel the first cracks forming even as I lie in bed with my head on your chest and your arm around me. I wish I’d listened to my instincts after that week, but I was so broken down that I didn’t have the strength to stay away from you, but I’m ready now.
In the time that’s passed, I’ve realized that we were better off as friends. I’m more than ok with that. It gave me a sense of peace and took away a lot of the intimidation I felt. I didn’t have to worry quite so much about what you thought of me. It was freeing…at least it was freeing until you quit keeping up even that pretense.
We’re nothing now and it’s taken me a while to resign myself to that. I’ve made my last ditch attempts at an olive branch, trying to keep my distance, but let you know that I’m still here, and I finally get it. You don’t want me around and I’m going to do what I should have done the first time you told me who you were and respect that.
I have so many incredible memories with you, some that you might not even remember. I will treasure every kind, quiet, private moment, and look back on the moments filled with laughter with adoration.
I’ll see you next week and, if we’re both being honest, I think we know it’ll be the last time. A poignant goodbye to somebody who reluctantly meant so much to me when I needed them. More than anything, I hope you find happiness and peace, but I’m giving you what you want and letting go now.
Two years is enough time to have a broken heart.